UDOFIA JOSEPH: Chop my money

DISCLAIMER: ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYONE DEAD, NEAR-DEAD OR UNDEAD IS AN ABOLUTE MYSTERY
“Chop my money, chop my money. Chop my money, cos I don’t care”
(P Square’s song plays in the background at the Villa, as Daskuki strolls in)

Oga Egbele: Colonel. How far naa. Chop knuckle. Please have a seat
(Egbele pauses the song and takes a sip of his Jack Daniels. Do you mind some)
Daskuki: Don’t worry Oga. I came to discuss business
Oga Egbele: Ok. Go on.
Daskuki: We have exhausted the little you gave us. We need to bless more people
Oga Egbele: The only money available now is the Arms money.
Daskuki: Oga let us use it like that. My men can manage the one we have on ground. Just speak Iwe Alla. We need enough money. You know AFeeCee is gaining grounds
Oga Egbele: No problem. It is sorted.

As Daskuki strolls out, Egbele returns to his song. “I don’t care, don’t care don’t care”

LATER AT NIGHT….
Oga Egbele: Madam Iwe Alla. How are you doing. Hope you still keep contacts with your IMF friends. We’d need them in the future
Madam Iwe Alla: (Iweala speaks big grammar): Trust me.  I am doing just what you have me do.
Oga Egbele: How about what we discussed – Dasuki’s money.
Madam Iwe Alla: I’d forward it to your office so u append your signature in the morning.
Oga Egbele: Welcome my dear. That is why I love you. If only Mama Peace can speak good English like you.
Madam Iwe Alla: (Stifling a smile). Mr President. It is a good thing. At least, she can connect with the grassroots.  One more thing, Lamide is giving me issues at the Central Bank. You need to do something about him.
Oga Egbele: Trust me. I have started looking for a replacement. We’d see in the morning, good night
Madam Iwe Alla: Good night

MEANWHILE, AT BAFANAWA’S RESIDENCE, SOMEWHERE IN ABUJA
(Pastors speaking in tongues. Deliverance session going on in the Parlour. Incantations are heard in another room)
Daskuki strolls in

Daskuki: As salaam wa alaikum
Bafanawa: wa alaikum salaam. Please have a seat. To what do I owe this pavour?
Daskuki: I see you are a very spiritual man
Bafanawa: Yes o. You know politics demand us to be closer to God. You can see all these religious leaders are seriously praying.
Daskuki: So what is God saying about the elections
Bafanawa: (Consults with the spiritual people) They’ve been fasting for a while. The latest revelation are that Buhari will win. We need to act fast.
Daskuki. Name the price
Bafanawa: We need to appease the Christian God, Muslim God and the God of our forefathers. For the Christian God, we’d do that in collaboration with Pastor Ayor. I think his God will be content with Gold chains. For the Muslim God, we’d send the Senior Imam some Tasbih and some slim ladies. For the God of our forefathers, they quite demand a lot. Let me get the list
(Bafanawa leaves to consult with the Spiritual head)
Bafanawa: Here it is. We need two coconut-white fowls with pepper-red combs, Two he-goats with ponmo brown skin, Cotton-wool white attire to be worn by seven 40-year old virgins, some palm wine. Everything should amount to N100m
Daskuki:  I’d send you the money tomorrow

DASKUKI RETURNS TO MEET OGA EGBELE THE FOLLOWING DAY
(A call comes in while in the waiting room)

Bafanawa: Thank you very much Oga. I have gotten the money
“I don get alert, na GodWin”, a line from Korede Bello’s Godwin,  is heard playing in the background
Daskuki:  Don’t thank me. It is our national cake. Just get the job done
Bafanawa: Yes Oga. Nagode

(OGA EGBELE’S SECRETARY USHERS DASKUKI INTO THE THE PRESIDENT’S OFFICE)

Daskuki: The last stop are the Party Chieftains. If we get them on our side, we’d crush AFeeCee.
Oga Egbele:  That’s a great suggestion.
Daskuki: Any suggestions. The AFeeCee is strong in the S/West.
Oga Egbele: Try Pa Ifalaye. He knows a lot about the Presidential Race. And lest I forget, arrange a dinner few days to the election. I need to appreciate everyone that is contributing to my re-election.
Daskuki: Yoo waa….

(DASKUKI STEPS OUT TO CALL PA IFALAYE)
Daskuki: Pa Ifalaye. How are you doing?
Pa Ifalaye: Colonel. I am doing great. To what do I owe this call?
Daskuki: I have a small parcel coming your way. We need your support against AFeeCee
Pa Ifalaye: Hehehe. I understand. You know the rules, rub my back, I rub your back
Daskuki: Correeect! 100 units is coming your way in a moment
Pa Ifalaye: Fee Dee Fee
Daskuki:  Power to the people

Minutes later, a black SUV arrives Pa Falaye’s office
A young man is ushered into Pa Ifalaye’s office:

Man: Good day Sir, We have the parcel

Pa Ifalaye: Thank you. My regards to your Boss.
(Man exists the office)

(He inspects the Ghana-Must-Go bag and begins to ruminate)
Ahh. I can’t tell them they sent 100 million. Ki ni ma s’ofun awon omo yii. These Yoruba people are smart. Errm.
Yes. I will stage a kidnap. I can say I bailed myself with N95m. I’d just give the kidnappers 10m to keep quiet and keep 85m. Hehehhehehehehhehehe

FEW DAYS TO THE ELECTION
Presidential Banquet. Iwe Alla strolls in on hot spaghetti with gele to match. Ladoje is adorned on faded Ankara. As Oga Egbele walks in on his Texan cap, the DJ plays “Stand up for the champion”
Daskuki: Oga Egbele. Truly you are a champion. Congratulations in advance
Oga Egbele: Thanks a lot. Hope you covered your tracks, else America will know

All present exchange pleasantries and dance into the middle of the night

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